Last week, I learned some rather distressing news, which could potentially keep me stationary much longer than I wanted or anticipated. Suffice to say, it kind of sent me into a downward spiral of confusion, and depression. While I know, I KNOW God's truth: that He will not forsake me, He hasn't left me, He has a plan; I couldn't grasp onto that truth for the life of me, and really believe it. I started to feel an overpowering idea: God doesn't love me anymore. God has left me alone.
It is terrible to believe, even for a moment, such a odious lie. It is terrible to see it on the screen in front of me now. What a terrifying, alienating thought. How devastating to the soul it would be if true. With all the Bible education I've had, you would think I could snap out of the lie, but I couldn't. For a day I couldn't grasp onto truth. This summer, my job has tested my patience like never before, all too often I end up spending my free time alone, and church hasn't been an option. All summer, loneliness, and sin I can't seem to conquer have, for the most part been my constant companions. Last week, while discouraging, was merely an accumulation of many things. And it led me to believe that my heavenly Father had given up on me entirely.
Slowly this week, truth has been coming back to me, not all at once, but bit by bit. What a reminder that I am not all brain, but also soul, and emotion. This part can take over reason, and I am no exception (I'm not exactly a- wear my heart on my sleeve-kind of girl).
This brings me to today. Over the course of the summer, construction of some sort has been ongoing across from my workplace/dwelling. It turns out to be a new dollar store. A bit of embarrassing Leah-trivia for you: I don't drive. That is to say I can't drive. It's the price I pay for being a professional wanderer. I usually catch a ride to the nearest Walmart, or I walk to the local grocery shop. This is a bit of a walk, but the weather is usually suitable. In the back of my mind though I've been wondering how I'm going to make the walk when the snow starts to fall. I figured my Walmart runs would have to do, and I would have to do without some things immediately.
Today I checked out the stock of the new store which is a convenient, few feet away from my front door. It's not exactly a grocery store, but I can pick up a lot of essentials, without having to wait for someone else's schedule to clear. It may sound silly to you but I stood in that store today, and thankfulness just washed over me like a flood. It seemed like God built this store just for me. God hasn't abandoned me! He built me a store! For nothing more than mere convenience: not need. After all these tuition fees and loans, it wasn't my education that led me to truth today. God reminded me of basic truths with a convenience. It's silly, and small, but all I know is that today, I'm just thankful for a dollar store.
"We give thanks to you, Oh God; and we give thanks for your name is near. We recount your wondrous deeds" Psalm 75:1
For you, O Lord, are good and forgiving, abounding in steadfast love to all who call upon you. Give ear, Oh Lord, to my prayer; listen to my plea for grace. In the day of trouble I call upon you, for you answer me" Psalm 86:5-7